My bestie swore it was a self-care gift.
She failed to mention it was anatomically correct, eight inches long…
And accidentally set to “turbo jackhammer mode.”
I open a package on my front porch,
And find a dildo buzzing to life in my hands!
I panic and fling it across the yard like a live grenade – just as my neighbors step out.
Mid-coffee sip – frozen as my gift lands at their feet, vibrating against their garden gnome. FML.
Introducing Ember Ridge Firehouse’s finest:
Dax—the broody fire chief who looked personally offended on behalf of the gnome.
Leo—the silent single dad who picked it up with two fingers like it was evidence.
And Beck—the tattooed EMT who grinned and said, “You’ve got great taste.”
